110 BPM

Dear Amy,

Do you remember second grade, Mrs. Reilly’s class? I do. I remember my student of the week celebration well. There’s a picture of you standing on a chair reading a VERY long letter to me. I smile now thinking about it. You talked about how wonderful I am. I say “I am” because I know it was true then and it’s true now.

Now, think back and remember yours, I said the very same thing about you. In some ways I think that, we as a class will always circle back to those memories. We’ll get old, get married, have babies, travel the world, make new friends, rekindle old friendships.. we will all lead remarkable lives. On the darkest of days, I know this to be true.. even when everything seems lost and jagged. I truly believe that we were all put in that class for a reason, because all of us have leaned on one another at some point in time.

Sometimes, I wish I could change my life. I wish that certain things hadn’t happened. I wish that I had accepted invitations, stayed out a little longer. I can’t change the things I’ve done, said, or felt, and believe me sometimes I wish I could change anything and everything about myself. I want to take fragments of my life, and piece them together to make a better past, a better future. But if I did that, it would be disjointed. My life wouldn’t be mine to own, as crazy as it has been. I would just be taking what I wanted and leaving shards of things that, while they haven’t been the best experiences, have taught me a lot.

I think about what would have happened if the beginning of the period in my life that I not-so-fondly refer to as “Tragically Lost” had been different. In a period of just a few years I got beat up, beat down, thrown out of school, got sick, fell in love for the first time, fell apart for the first time, lost my friends and lost myself. I was the epitome of “social outlier” By this I mean that I was always on the outside, I never felt like I truly had “friends” just acquaintances.

I know that my life will never be like one of those movies, where everyone has been friends forever. People come and go in my life, some come rushing in as others are fading out. I do have best friends, but I’ve come to learn that I can call them that and it doesn’t mean that they won’t come and go.

I don’t make for a good best friend, I can be moody, mean, annoying.. the list goes on. But I also know that I have redeeming qualities about me, things that make them love me for who I am, regardless of if I’m calling them horrible bottom dwellers. (Sometimes, a little bit of distance, the best relationship makes)

The redeeming qualities about me? They’re the ones that came up as everyone read their letters to me back in second grade. Simplistic things like nice,and happy. Complex things like loving, thoughtful, and intelligent. These things hold just as true today as they did 18 years ago. They do for me, just as they do for you. They draw people to us, and keep them close. I know that we lead entirely different lives, but these certain parallels that hold true. Above all, we are both terribly loving souls, who take on the burdens of others, live for others, and would do anything for others. The somewhat tragic thing is, we can’t figure out why some wouldn’t do the same for us.

The truth? Not everyone is as loving as us, not everyone is as well versed as us, and not everyone has as much inner strength as us. That doesn’t mean they aren’t wonderful (if not somewhat misguided) people, it just means that both of us need to remember where our strengths and weaknesses lie. Loving too much is not something that everyone can understand, because it’s a gift, and like most inherent gifts of human nature, you don’t know what a person means unless you’re in the same boat. People often tend to see the glass half empty. I want, no.. I have to believe that people are inherently good, and that they have the best intentions though, or I would never make it through the day.

The thing that sucks about us being the age that we are is that everyone is in a different life stage. Some of us are struggling through graduate school, others are getting married and having babies, working on their career paths.. on the flip side.. others are clinging desperately to the rest of their 20’s, living like they’re still in high school having no regard for consequence, constantly going through life with an excuse in hand. This is the time in our lives when the spectrum is so blatantly broad, and when we’re forced to make choices some of us falter while others have great success.

The great thing I know, is that no matter who may come and go in your life… you will always be the same wonderful Amy. You hold true to yourself, and while you make many sacrifices for others, you are no one’s fool. Don’t look to others to prove you right or wrong on your own feelings of self worth.. the thing that starts happening is you start relying on people to disappoint you, and that’s never a good thing. In the end, the only person you can really rely on is yourself. It’s kind of like when you’re on an airplane and they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first if something happens before you can help others. Live, laugh, and love with all your heart. The rest will come in time. Remember: it’s not possible to make other people as awesome as we are, they’re on their own!

xoxoxoxo-
that same awkward, geeky girl from 18 years ago who never forgot your kind words or actions.

2011-

You were the year that went by in a fleeting moment, once things fell into place. I feel like I fell asleep in 2010 and didn’t wake up until April. I remember thinking that it was time to give up the ghost, but I did so gingerly. I learned that people can be beautiful and soul crushing in one fell swoop, but I can’t be upset about it. There were so many small triumphs this year that combined become a story that I will remember for the rest of my life. I don’t know what 2012 will bring, I can hope for things like love, peace, and friendship but those seem to be a constant in my life no matter what may be.  It’s going to be a good year.